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Drachen · Haven
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I'm not sure where the thoughts came from. I thought I was doing well. I thought. I wish I didn't think so much about crystal meth amphetamine, but I do.
I wish I had the thought in October of 2003 to walk out of that restaurant in DC that David, Dave and I went to eat wherein he began telling of all his drug use and his trip to Copenhagen--which I kind of question--where he did cocaine, pot, acid and a few other things. At hearing about all this drug use, for the first time I might ad, I should have packed up and moved on. But I was lonely, I had a need for some kind of companionship and he was the first man to pay any attention to me and make me feel special in years. I was looking for a father figure, a brother, a lover a person to give me the identity that I lacked. I was looking for something in someone else that I couldn't find in myself. I was injured. I had giant holes in my psyche that were wanting repair and I had no clue how to do it. When David first met me he knew about my unfamiliarity/caution with hard drugs and cigarettes. I guess being that kind of a drug user makes you not care about how your drug use is going to affect others. And it did.
I was so in need of caring and love that I could not let go of him because it made me feel like I was a failure and a loser and a reject. I wanted to be recognized and noticed. And he never did. And somewhere in my brain something said, "Try this meth stuff, maybe then he'll be more into you." Or something like that. And that's how it started.
That's how my life became one big flaming ball of shit. I did not have enough self esteem, courage or strength to walk away from a bad man. When he abandoned me with no explanations, when he left me in pieces, blaming me for everything that went wrong I was so used to the pain numbing effects of the meth that I kept using. Even when I moved out into my own place and told myself that I was going to stop, that the new place was going to be different, that I was going to quit, I kept using.
And by then my already weak and poorly driven sex drive was now totally dependent on Meth, not to mention other parts of my brain and body.
WHen I moved back to Atlanta I don't know why I deluded myself into thinking that I could beat it then. Moving back to Atlanta just made things worse. I was living in East Point with a friend and life wasn't going well. I couldn't find work that I liked, I was in debt, and somehow I started injecting Meth. I couldn't do it myself, so someone always had to do it for me. I got syphilis, hepatitis C, I became a person I didn't know and one night I went out to use and the guy gave me too much and I wasn't paying attention. I came close to over dosing. I sat in a total strangers bath tub and my eyes couldn't focus or stay in one place, I had to manage my breathing and I went through almost 2 gallons of water in almost 10 minutes. I threw up a great deal of it and truly wasn't sure how I was going to survive this. Fortunately the guy was very polite about it and stayed with me and helped me through it.
I have yet to quit. Last November I used one weekend. This New Years eve found my thoughts wandering in that direction. I started envisioning what I wanted to do while I was high, I started planning the usual meth plan, which really wasn't a plan at all. I started rationalizing why I should do it, that it would be just a couple of days. blah, blah, blah.
But Here i am, I feel better about not doing it, I feel like I can recognize some of the behaviors and I have people that can help me rid myself of this crap.
Right now I want to smash something. I want to scream, but I can't. I want to yell at the top of my lungs until I can't yell anymore. I'm tired of crying I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of everything. I will get through this but It's just so hard.
When I became involved with Anthony we would up talking about drug use and then we both did Meth together. It hurt our relationship. It hurt MY relationship with him AND myself. This is why I want to be alone, this is why I don't want a relationship right now.
I hope he can understand that. |
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As a matter of fact, I'm putting a hold on all kinds of relationships in my life. My professional relationships appear to be substantial and healthy; moreover, I am developing very deep professional relationships with one or two really great individuals.
My personal relationships--the ones I'm not good at defining--are somewhat scattered. I am realizing that I have to have a personal relationship with myself on a very profound level before anything else. I'm not accomplishing that as well as I'd like and I'm not sure I'm putting enough positive thought into the matter; moreover, I'm not sure where the energy is suppose to go. Is my effort placed in the right areas and for the right reasons. And of course this means I have to look at my intentions and how altruistic they are.
My intent should never be to do harm. That goes without saying. What I need to ask is, "How the hell did this event become so traumatic in the first place. I hated breaking up with Anthony. I hated myself a great deal at that point. I'm uncertain in any of my emotions right now beause I can not tell if this is genuinely me or some messed up crap that was inflicted upon me by some 4th grader...or 5th grader...fuck this shit. I WAS BULLIED IN SCHOOL! And my father was outraged when I wouldn't fight back. I was a disappointment back then without realizing that if he had not made it seem like hitting was such a bad thing. I did not want to hit anyone, because it hurt. I didn't want to hit anyone because hitting people was not a pleasant experience! Are you kidding me!? If you had a choice when you were a little baby to have someone FORCIBLY remove a part of your penis against your will--which as a not even thinking MUCH AT ALL 1 or 2 week old baby I couldn't comprehend that IT WAS WRONG and IT HURT. And that Trauma affected me for life. Not to mention all of the constant worry from my mother about my damned ears. ONe of them doesn't fucking work! I would have accepted that I done quitr well without constant attention. Let me laern how I learn, not the way they want me to. I learn better on my own terms, I don't do well in school because kids are very receptive to energies and my energy was manipulated at birth into something less than sturdy.
Man! All this bullshit I took on. WHat I wanted more than anything was to not be in that house back then. And I say back then, it was before we got the house.
My dad was then abducted by aliens and I was shocked to realize that my father was not as big an ass as time previous. It just so happens that My father's healing process and my healing process are different. And this is why I write all of this crap down. I don't want it anymore. Sometimes the emotions hit really hard and I can't write. All I can do is breath...just breath and stop and heal. Let my body do what it needs to heal And heal completely until I do'nt give a shit what happened, it is now out of my body. ANd that's my goal. Release all the trauma from my body and attain enlightenment. If that's even possible. Buddha keeps telling me it is and Ganesha keep setting me up to win and there's a little fat Chinese god of happiness that has recently informed me that I'm doing really well. Yes, FOlks, it's getting weird and it's making a lot of sense.
Read the Tao of Physics by Fritjof somebody or other...I don't have it in front of me. |
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Earlier this month I had a great many realizations, hell, let's face the facts: I've been having lots of realizations this past year.
My Mother is trying to guilt me into seeing them for the holidays. "We're your family." I'm amazed at how that statement used to carry weight in my heart and mind; even resided in my body. It still does to some degree. I can now safely detach myself from that statement and have discovered that if I think about calmly discussing this idea with my family, it doesn't seem so bad. The thought of my father being angry or hurt or otherwise irrationally emotional is just that. I can't control how he reacts, I can just relay my thoughts and hope that he isn't a complete moron.
My paradigm is changing and with it my views on myself and those around me. As I don't have to include everyone in my life, I include all beings as precious jewels to treat as I would want to be treated. I acknowledge my sister in all of her shortcomings and I still love her, but I wish not to have that kind of negative behavior in my life.
We place value on these holidays as some important part of our lives, when in my reality they have been a constant means of disappointment, bore and alienation from my sister, her husband and my mother. I don't think my father gives a shit either way.
I feel more whole and more in touch with my own body and my own life now more than any other time in my life. I don't ahve it all figured out, but all of the cosmic forces in the universe are helping me and my body has a few things to say that I'm finally listening to.
We don't need diet pills, we don't need surgery, or material wealth, or anyt of that crap. We need to pay attention to hour bodies. we need to respect them and adore them and learn to make them function. Pills don't solve our problems. Chemicals made by pharmaceutical companies only mask what it going on.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this other than I can finally say that I'm becoming more of me than I ever have been. The path set before me is unclear to me, but the universe and my body know and I trust both of them because inn my body lies the universe and all the guidance I need. |
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I am everything that My parents were when they conceived me; all of their flaws were reflected through me. I could not defend myself as a child because my mother did not defend herself from my father's drunken anger. I go along with anything that my parents and others want me to because my decisions were taken from me when I was circumcised. I became addicted to meth simply because my father allowed himself to become addicted to alcohol. I knew no better than my parents did because they never realized any different.
For years I have suffered through pain,guilt, powerlessness and fear and never have exceeded those things because I did not understand how to. I was never taught to overcome those things, simply ignore them and hope that things will get better on their own.
Becoming a craniosacral therapist and becoming a part of the Faerie community has taught me that I can overcome those things. I have learned that I am so much more than this human body, that there is more to my awareness that I could not understand due to limited insight and lack of knowledge from those around me. I will never be able to teach these things to others, but hope that my presence as I am now will help them see the potential of what they really are.
THis past week has been such an awakening experience to the potential of who I am, who I will be and who I was. The healing I am undergoing has been a scary experience, but the fear of it has not dissuaded me from experiencing it. I am more than the sum of my experiences and can now more fully realize how those experiences can help me heal and become more than I am now.
James and I worked today and I held nothing back from the healing that he assisted with today. Without thinking I freely accepted that things have happened and have expelled those things from my body as they came up. I did not question, i did not analyze, I simply allowed what what came up that needed to be healed to be healed how it needed. If that meant laughing, or crying, or screaming, or moving my body as it needed to, then that's what I did. I relinquished control to the universe within me and it simply healed itself. I feel so much better. I feel like I can make decisions and not be controlled by fear, I feel like I am in more control of myself.
I feel so much better, but I know that there is a long ways to go. |
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Very time I get Craniosacral work done I have to analyze my body and find out where the tension is being kept, where is the trauma, where is the blocked, muddy, weighed down space? As I've worked I've noticed that I can not feel most of my insides, meaning my guts. Our organs hold onto out emotional traumas; we are vessels after all, vessels that contain the life energy of the universe. AS I've worked and released the trauma from my vessel I've become more aware of my internal organs. My intestines have been blocked for a while now, which can make a person not eat right, not digest right and become fat and lethargic. Several daemons have taken up residency in my organs. James saw one of them leave my body, so did Anthony. I felt them go as well and I could sense more space and light and openness on the inside of me. My mind feels calmer and I feel like I can handle my day better.
My mother messaged me on Facebook last night asking me if I was okay. At first I seized up and wanted to say everything was okay, because that's what I always do because I don't want her to worry. Her worrying has gotten into my body and made me powerless to actually express myself and as I've gotten rid of the emotional baggage she has impressed on me I've become aware of when I seize up and I've learned to identify what are my tur feelings and what are the feelings of tohers lodged in my body.
I told her the truth, that I'm not ok, that I'm going through some stuff and that there's nothing she can do to help. I'm coming to realize that this is my life. She gave it to me. And just like anything we give as a gift we have to let it go. Jesus teaches that. God gave us the gift of free will and we can either ruin that gift or use it as a powerful weapon to help heal and nurture and guide ourselves into enlightenment. She asked if there was anything she could do I I told her, "Yes, You can let go, not worry, not be concerned and let me heal and be on my own with this." SHe then said it was her right to worry. I froze up again, but realized that it is not a right. it's an issue she has that she isn't dealing with. Kind of like me and my cats. I used to worry when they went outside. I didn't want them to get hurt. What kind of bullshit is that? They have claws, they have senses and they must learn on their own how to survive. They have Bobbette to teach them and the have their instincts. My mother's worrying caused me to not want to do anything to keep her from worrying. I didn't go out late, I didn't go to concerts, I hate traveling anywhere because I knew that My mother was worrying. Now it's time for me to release that into the earth and let that go. Hopefully she'll realize that I can take care of myself and that I haev so much help from not just people, but the universe.
It's time for me to let go of all of this crap and heal. All of the anger and violence from my childhood, all of the fear doing anything because it would make my father angry, all of it. My father's anger has nothing to do with me. I do'nt want it anymore.
I'm feeling healthier and very frightened right now. Fear has controled me my holwe life. I've been afraid to tell people what I want, what I need, I've been afraid to tell myself what I want and what I need. Fear must be conquered not given into.
It's MY life. MINE and no one else's to control or manipulate. Today is a very scary day. |
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I'm having to finally deal with my family and all that has gone on over the years. My parents took away most of my power to decide for myself when I was very young and I've never realized that until now. I was told what to wear, what to do, I was never encouraged to be an individual. I was always annoying them with the things I did; getting dirty, being curious, trying to explore the world. Instead of letting me go to find my way my mother was there flapping her wings and making sure nothing happened to me. She worried all the time and she still does.
I'm realizing that the abuse I suffered at my father's hand and mouth carried over into my relationship with David Merrill and I guess all my other relationships. When meth entered into my life I was not in a comfortable place in my mind or my body. I've been violated by others repeatedly and that stress has not been dealt with yet and when it builds up my meth cravings come back. I've just now realized that.
Not too long ago I told you I was having the cravings again, but I didn't do anything to start the resolution process. I didn't want to deal with it. Now the stress is back again and I felt the need to voluntarily be violated in a way. This is what I've allowed meth to do to me. This has nothing to do with sex. This is a destructive force that I take out on my own ass. This is why I no longer like ass play. I used to before meth creeped in. Upon moving back to GA I guess I was in such a bad place that I couldn't get over it and started slamming. The only way I knew of to aleviate my pain was through drugs and being violated. Leaving DC didn't mean that the problems went away, it just meant that I changed locations for my problems to manifest.
Becoming more aware of all of these things thru my healing work has been an awakening experience and I think I've been moving way to fast in it. I have not allowed time to process, accept and incorporate this new information into my life and with each old problem that comes up I don't fully deal with some of those problems. I've hit a point where I'm finally having to deal with my family and that is also very scary to me. |
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I have made a decision to be on my own for a while, which means Anthony and I have separated, broken up, however you want to put it. There was nothing done on anyones part to make me decide this. It's many different things. I'm changing. My understanding of myself and my awareness of the world around me is changing.
My Cranisoacral sessions with James are bringing more awareness of my skills and what my intentions are in my work. It's also bringing me into a greater of who I am as a person and how I relate to people around me. This is a difficult process when it comes too my family. There has been a lot of trauma caused to me by my family; however, I do not hold them responsible for any of it. They did not know at the time that their actions would affect me many years down the road. Hell, had I known that some of the things I've put myself through would have such effects on me, I would have thought a little differently about what I was doing. It's never too late to change, which is what I'm going through right now.
I feel that I should back up for a moment and explain why this discovery and healing is so important to me. I have been in constant pain for over 20 years. My earliest recollection of it all was about 15 or 16 when I started working at Kroger. No, it wasn't Kroger that caused it. I would come home and stretch out in the recliner and have to pop my back to alleviate some of the pain. Ever since I have always had trouble standing and walking around. The pain has compounded over the years and I have definitely added to it as have others.
Most nights I don't sleep well. Most days I just want the pain to go away. Unfortunately for the 20 something years it has not. Sometimes it's very subtle pain; the type that comes from too many little things that have built up: loneliness,torment from others, the negative influence of family members who have not yet evolved into ,ore enlightened beings, you name it.
Usually the first thing I think about when I do anything is, "how is this going to make my body hurt more?" It's hard to exercise because the pain isn't that good kind that you get after a good workout. It's hard to go to concerts, Renn Fest, out site seeing, anything that involves me moving around.
Now we're going to come back to the Craniosacral therapy and how wonderful it has been to heal myself of some of the pain. The more work I have done, the better I feel. I have healed myself of the braces, all the years of yelling and screaming and arguing between my parents, my father's violence towards me. Now, I want to say that he didn't know any better; he did the best he could with what he had and it's not easy raising kids. regardless of the reason it was still violence and it still affected me; I've removed that trauma. I am learning how to protect myself from the emotional trauma of others.
There are still a great many flaws in my life and the ones that are here, in all honesty, I don't understand most of them. It has been kind of difficult to put a finger on any one specific flaw or trauma that is the crux of the issues. I'm healing as my body wants, when I can give it the healing it needs. I'm amazed that Anthony didn't strangle me senseless for not being able to recognize the associative patterns I get into.
I'm doing very well and other than a set back, i'm fine. My failures bring me the greatest insights. Inventors know this. I'm not trying to invent something though. There are events and emotions crammed into my body that I'm not fully aware of yet and I'm hoping one day that I become aware of them and they will leave. I'm very tired of doing irrational things due to lack of power over them.
Healing is a slow process. |
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I've traveled to New Orleans with Anthony. This is one crazy city and we've had a very good time so far. Today is the last day and Anthony is out shopping.
I've come to realize that my body is changing and my life is changing quite a bit. I haven't been journaling in a while; it seems that life has just been busy. And that's a bullshit statement. I'm not that busy and I could be doing so much more with my body and mind.
My diet has been okay, but it could be so much better. I need to lay off the cookies and shit and quit eating out as much as I have been.
I don't exercise at all and my body has been telling me for a while that something has to change. I've got all the equipment I'll ever need and all the information I can use in getting back into shape. I don't need the expensive DVD's from p90x, I don't need anything that the Marines have supposedly designed to get ripped, I don't need a gym, those places are ridiculous. I need motivation and I don't know where that motivation is coming from.
My Craniosacral therapy is going well and each session releases more trauma and brings me close to being comfortable in my body. Lots of crap from my childhood, lots of crap from surgery and malnutrition and abuse of my body by myself and others. I'm becoming more aware of my own boundaries and how the boundaries of others affect me. I'm discovering that I have greater control over my body and my emotions and my life than I ever thought possible. I've been reading a book called "Full Body Presence" which has been hard to process, but very insightful for me.
I've not been living and thriving as much as I've been going along and surviving. I"m working more and more on living and thriving, but I just don't feel like the person I used to be. Trying to heal from the events from DC and from my return to Atlanta and getting so sick and hitting rock bottom.
It wasn't long after I moved back to Atlanta that I met Anthony Canney. January 1st 2007 I asked him if he wanted to date someone in Atlanta and he said yes. We moved in together April of 2007 and it's been a wonderful experience so far. There have been tough times, but that's to be expected.
The sad part is, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I actually know...I don't want to be in a relationship right now. It been great having Anthony to cuddle up next to, ti's been great having someone to share my life with, but More and more I feel like I want to be alone.
Alone isn't the right word. On my own without any attachments might be better.
I'm to tired to think right now. I'll ponder this more later. |
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I can say this with absolute certainty because the Reverend David Dechant has followed my thought processes and come up with a better conclusion than I could have. I agree with his assesment. I am simply gaining awareness of concepts outside of the typical realm of societal thinking. I'm gonna explain all of this as I'm realizing it. There's a lot of change going on in my life and as I went to the Reverend for my intermitent refuge in the openness and fully realized kingdom of his mind I was assured by him that it's not a midlife Crisis...I'd ahve a hot sports car. I have no need for that animal.
No, I guess I need to start with the last like...eight sessions I've been having with my new therapist. I found the most wonderful man to trade Craniosacral therapy with. His name is James, he's very much in tune with healing and understanding and becoming a realized and aware person. We work on each other and ti's been absolutley amazing. Not only is it making me a better therapist, but it's helping me heal shit in my body that I had gotten used to, ignored, forgot about, or just tolerated all these years.
I've worked out several family things that had been eating at me. Problems with my parents that I no longer have. I can think about them objectively and not emotionally. I can dsitance myself from any bad behavior and truly say whether I want that behavior in my life. I can now figure out what emotions are mine and what are projections from negative energy my parents gave me. All those times my Dad beat my ass for whatever reasons he beat my ass and transfered all of that anger from his hand into my ass where it stayed all of these years and caused trauma to work it's way through my body. I ahve started releasing these things from my body. It feels so much better and I notice shuch improvements in the way I think and feel and eat, and take care of myself.
On a more spiritual aspect I have seen in my sessions many different deities and spirits and Rishis and thigns that defy sanity, but I believe are real just the same. At time I want to make this into some kind of book. I'll call it "I am Buddha."
Because I am. I am Jesus, I am Ganesha, I am Ra, I am Buddha. I know this because he came to me along with Ganesha, then Shiva, then the Buddha, then Hanuman. They all had different thigns to tell me and they are all connected to me. I am just like them. I am a divine creature.
During this last Session which was Friday the 19th of August I had some manner of little spirit leave my body. James can Verify this in his acknowledemtn that he too felt something leave my body and hang out in the rom as we worked, so he asked to open the door and I told him to get the mallet for the gong I have in my room and make some noise. iv'e learned it helps clear negative energy in a room. Works beautifully and sounds amazing! Who DOESN"T love a GONG!
So i've been questioning a good many things and coming to cosmic realizations about how connected everything is and sometimes I ahve to just not think about it so I can go eat a Hamburger at Steak. Yes, I know it's not really food if you think about it logically. this is why my diet is always adapting and getting better. One of these days i'll actually get rid of emotional habits. Or at elast a majority of them. Sometime food is just good when we're happy. Like with anything.
In all of this stuff I'm questioning and becoming more aware of myself. This isna't a bad thing; however, it's making me want to be alone in my own body for a while. What I mean by that is I don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now. I need to take some me time and feel out some things in my life. This means that Anthony and I would have some talking to do abouta great many things. I would not want to move out and i would not want him to move out. I love him and want him to know that I am always here for him. He has done nothing wrong and I ahve done nothing wrong and I just need to be alone for a while. I have to focus on myself and I can't focus on him. I don't even know if this makes any sense. For now this is where my mind is.
My body is healing and I want to continue that process and I don't know where Anthony fits into that. I don't even know if I want to stay in Atlanta. I have lots of stuff to figure out. I feel almost like I want to be a monk..sort of. This is all for now. |
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In February of 2011 I attended my second craniosacral class which was held in Seattle, WA. I stayed with my now fully realized friend(I had not met the man before this) ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) bukephalus . ANd I apologize now for not making mention of the lovely details of the trip which I don't fully recall because of the mushy state my brain attained whilst taking said class. I will say that Scott was the sweetest man I could ever meet and such a gracious host. He took me everywhere and we ate at the most delightful places! I'll have to recall the trip in a future post. This has other thoughts in it. As I remember back on a profound statement my instructor, TIm Hutton, said, "Our job is to do nothing. We are jsut there to witness the healing process of who we are working on." Which means we have to be neutral as therapists and not expect an outcome. We are simply there to lend support. Which is how I try to go into all of my sessions these days. I"ve needed some work now for a while, so I called Molly and hoped she would pick up the phone. She wasn't in GA when she did this five seconds later as the line connected. She was on the road to Yellow Stone National park. I was excited for her because I wanna go sometime, I was disappointed for about 2 seconds because she wasn't here, damnit. Looking for another CS Therapist is a lot like looking for a custom tailored shoe all made from US components. So my cognitive skills kicked in and I thought back on that statement that seems so powerfully REAL now. All I need is a witness to the work I need to do in my own body to help it heal. Yes, I realize that seems a bit far fetched; someone just sit there and bare witness to what my body has to do to heal itself? My husband does this job perfectly. I tell him where I want him to put his hands so we can get the ball rolling and off we go. I've managed to correct 3 suture misalignments in my cranium, clear out my right lung of some emotional burden, restart some part of my liver that I was unaware had shut down, make me more aware of the nutrients I need to ingest to keep me healthy and give me more of an understanding of how to program my own immune system. Did you know you can do that? Yeah, I found the idea rather silly until I realized that my BRAIN and my body are somehow connected through my MIND! All it takes is some cognitive thought and making sure your body has what it needs. IT's still theory, but I'm going with it. So far I"m liking the results of being able to heal my own dural tube. And I've started working out and paying REALLY close attention to my body at least once a day for at least a few minutes to an hour. :) We have to start slow. Oh yeah, and what Jesus says about GOD being in you and what the Buddha teaches about everyone being a Divine being? What they mean to say is within your body is the means to understand the universe in all it's glory. All you have to do is learn to access it. ANd the only way to access it is to resolve the trauma in your spine so that there is NOTHING hindering the processes of your nervous system. Ever whack your thumb and you stop thinking about anything but the pain? That's the trauma that's immediate. We then have slower trauma that doesn't hurt like that, but hurts on a very small level and causes us pain we can generally feel, but it makes us CRAZY. This is what we must achieve to attain enlightenment. Release all he crap from our spine. I"m feeling so much better, and now I'm gonna go to sleep. Namaste G'night! |
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